So Saucy has put up her Carnival Survival tips and I thought I’d offer my HELL NO list of unforgivable Carnival mistakes. Feel free to add if you wish. It have plenty out there, I know…
1. SHAVE, SHAVE and then SHAVE again. Ladies, DO NOT leave the house dressed in your two piece and fries unless you have ensured that you are bald like a singed chicken. And I’m not referring to the Bob Marley in a headlock armpits either. When in the shower, make sure you skin up all how and remove the crispy curlies please. In fact, if you have a high threshold for pain, wax. Brazilian wax is best, especially if you know you is one of them who like to hook yuh leg over the camera and undulate. The viewing public DOES NOT need to see if the carpet matches the curtain, ok! Also, if you have lots of facial hair, make sure you do something about that too, especially if you’re planning on wearing make-up. The “Diva with a moustache” look was cornered by Gail Ann a while ago and really, there’s no need for another. And for the love of GOD ladies, shave the legs if you’re on the furry side. ESPECIALLY if you plan on wearing stockings. You have to realise that, while stocking can cover up a number of sins, the bear rug on your legs is NOT one of them. Any one of you I see committing this sin will be hauled off the road and attacked by a bottle of Neet.
2. Heaven help us – DON’T buy your costume too small, thinking it will make you look slimmer. If your bottom piece is too small it will just squeeze the fat over the waist, making you look both ridiculous and bigger at the same time. Buy a panty that fits properly, without squeezing the animal or the guts. If the waistband is too high, take in the underwear from the CROTCH, making sure you cut off any excess cloth to avoid it rubbing and chaffing again the naughty bits. If this is not a problem for you then leave it in and have fun. What taking it in here does is make it sit lower on the hips, giving you a snugger fit without squeezing. The same applies for bras. A smaller bra does not give you cleavage. In fact, most times it actually flattens the breasts, making them look squooshed and unattractive. Buy the right size bra and then head to Samaroo’s and buy the inserts. Sew them in at angle, the way it’s done in the bras normally and voila! Pamela Anderson’s long lost twin is back.
3. Hair extensions. If you are putting in braids, a weave or a false ponytail please make sure it is done securely. However, securely does not mean so tight you turn Chinese. I have seen women jumping one way and the hair flying the next way. By Tuesday afternoon they have a bald patch or somebody playing with their wig by the side of the road. You do not want to leave a trail of plaits behind you like Hansel and Gretel walk through town and run out of pebbles.
4. False toenails. This might seem obvious and I wish I didn’t have to say it but I played mas a year with a girl who actually did this. DO NOT put on toenail extensions to play mas. It doesn’t matter how fabulously well the airbrushing matches your costume, unless you are wearing open toed shoes (and I HOPE you aren’t planning to) they are a very bad idea. They will bruk up yuh foot and mash up yuh toes. In fact, cut your toenails over the carnival weekend so the slight sensitivity of the exposed flesh is gone and it can handle the rubbing of the socks and footwear. And avoid any jaggedly points when you cut. Down town Port of Spain is not the place to be looking for a nailclipper on Carnival Tuesday. Which leads me to point five.
5. Don’t wear heels. Don’t even try to argue with me. You still arguing?! But I done talk! Doh get tie up with Wendy – she does only wear she heels to cross the stage to moggle in front the camera them. Then she does put on she sneakers. Allyuh might laugh at this and wonder who so chupid but believe me, yuh does see them every year for carnival in high heels and Wabeen boots jumping left and right and getting on like they borrow people foot. About 2, 3 hours after yuh does see them crumple up on the side of the road holding they ankle with they face twist up. NOT what Carnival is about.
6. Ok. If you have your period, you might want to consider the benefits of a tampon. Male readers could feel free to screw up their faces here but is a fact of life. Besides, is if it DOESN'T come that you should be bending and screwing so be thankful. I know a lot of women are squeamish about them but really, they are a GODSEND. Between a tampon and a rhinoceros strength painkiller you’re ready for anything they can throw your way. Just PLEASE, PLEASE OH GOD, PLEASE be careful with the string! I cannot tell you how many tampon strings I have seen putting in an appearance between the legs of enthusiastic masqueraders. If you insist on wearing a pad, opt for an ultra thin one. Unless you’re one of those who only feel good when strange men compliment you on your “fat kyat” all day, in which case, I can't help you.
7. Stockings. Now I personally don’t wear these torture devices. Anytime I just look at them they does run. Besides, these goddess-like, super toned and super smooth legs of mine require no embellishment. However, I know that some of you out there opt to use them so if you do, here are some tips from the land of the blasted obvious. Firstly, when you hear people talking about stockings, please be aware that it is in reference to a special type of accessory. Yes, it consists of two tubular parts in which you encase the legs, very similar in fact, to normal, everyday stockings. HOWEVER, do NOT commit the SIN of wearing normal stockings with your costume. These stocking cannot stand up to the rigours of the Carnival wine and jam and will stretch, pull, run and tear before you even have breakfast. You will end up looking like something chew yuh up and spit yuh out. You have to buy special carnival stocking that have a higher than normal denier and greater resilience. And if you want my chupid advice don’t go with the shiny stockings. I personally find it makes you look like a Puerto Rican jamette. But dais just me. Next – please buy SHEER TO WAIST stockings. I don’t understand why in this day and age people still need to be told this. You cannot be rocking a bikini bottom, a lil piece of waistband and a big ass opaque bingoban panty at the top of your stockings! I mean, ladies, really. And doh buy no tight stockings that too small, thinking it will turn you into a slim thing. Yuh want to be cramming down Kiss cake and Bobby whole year and look like yuh was eating Pak Choy come Carnival Monday and Tuesday!? The tight stockings will interfere with your circulation. When yuh foot them turn blue and yuh kyah feel them I will be the first one to pass yuh and say, “You damn ass, and yuh want tight stockings? Take tight stockings in yuh pueffen!”
8. Panty mas. Now, to be honest, this is a pretty rare occurrence – THANK GOD! But, it is so horrendous an occurrence that I feel it needs mentioning in the hopes of eradicating it once and for all, like polio. Is true we say at carnival anything goes but when we say anything we doh mean EVERYTHING eh. Buy a short pants. Buy a short skirt. In fact, buy a extra bikini panty from the band. But for the love of Christmas, doh go out the road and play the people mas in yuh regular panty! And ah shame to say is only woman yuh does see in this slackness. Yuh doh see man cavorting through the streets in they drawers – noooooo, is woman does be shaming the species. Imagine my shame last year when I turn around and see this girl whipping bamcee left and right in Arima (why them thing does happen in the East so boy?). My girl rocking a lace boy cut panty. A PINK LACE BOY CUT PANTY. Like she figure is she alone have them kinda panty and nobody will know. And I sure it was a panty because there was compelling evidence that she doesn’t shave. PEOPLE! More specifically, LADIES. Oh gorm man! Wheel and come again nah!
9. Head piece etiquette. What I personally like to call ‘Heatiquette’. Notice my picture. That is a pretty large headpiece, is it not? Yet, to the best of my knowledge, nobody lost an eye or had to be rushed to the emergency room because of a misplaced plume. Now, I love playing mas with a big headpiece. It does make me feel nice, like wearing expensive, sexy underwear when know I’ll be having a hard day at work. Or a hard day after work – hehheh heh! Hmmm… sorry. Anyway. But with great headpieces come great responsibility. So ladies – and fellas who playing in Tribe’s cow mas this year – please be careful how you bending down to tie your shoelaces, throwing back your head to laugh like a jamette or bending over to put down waist on the smally in front you. Especially if you’re playing in a band that is packed with plenty masqueraders. You don’t want to gouge out nobody eyeball. And I’m sure I speak for most people when I say nobody want their eyeball dig out either. But I can’t be too sure about that. People strange…
10. Hero antics. This one is for the men. Fellas, when Carnival comes along and the effects of rum, hot sun and bamcee begin to be felt, be aware that the propensities for jackass antics increase proportionately. That having been said, I wish to extend a hearty NO EH to all you men who start to feel the Tarzan genes acting up and does want to be climbing truck, climbing fence, climbing wall and climbing woman. Being stumbling, blind, walking home on your hands drunk is NOT the best time to try to show off to the thick thing in front you how skilled you are at scaling the barbed wire businesses put up to protect they property from people like you! Not only will you not be successful but you will end up looking like a damn ass. And falling down. And most likely breaking something.
11. One for the fellas again. (Ladies, this might fall in yuh garden too). Wear clear deodorant. While you’re at it, shave under yuh arms too. You are not Samson (the one in the Bible, not the one in yuh inbox). If you cut the hair under your arm it will not suddenly render you weak and defenceless. You might get away with the armpit hair if it neat. Actually, no, not really. But it is especially important if you know when yuh put on deodorant it does end up looking like two tarantula fall down in batter and manage to drag themselves to their final resting place under yuh arm dem. And I eh care HOW much yuh say it does make yuh sweat – CREAM ALLYUH FOOT FUH MEH PLEASE!!!!! This coming out yuh house looking like yuh play football with a sack a flour look has GOTS to GO!